What can we do when we’re already overwhelmed by intense emotions and cannot calm ourselves down? Not only does saying to ourselves “I’ve gotta calm down!” not seem to work, but we may find ourselves propelled further into a state of panic and powerlessness.
First, it’s important that we acknowledge that thinking that we “should be able to calm down” is not necessarily helpful. And the most important thing is that we do not blame ourselves in those difficult moments by saying to ourselves thinks like: “Why am I like this again?, “What’s wrong with me?”. What’s really going on within us during these moments of being overwhelmed by emotions is that an alarm has gone off in our limbic system. The limbic system is very useful for a number of things but not for logical thinking. The thinking happens in a younger part of our brain, known as the prefrontal cortex and we actually don’t quite have access to it during the moments of overwhelm. Why?
Because, we are built to have this strong alarm going off in the limbic system when we sense danger – it alerts the brain stem (our oldest part of the brain) and we are given three options: to fight, flee or freeze (i.e. play dead). We each have our own prefered response to a perceived threat. Back in the day, the dangers came in the form of predators and our very lives depended on how quickly we can react to either fight, flee or freeze- Simply, it was those mechanisms that kept us alive and fast forward to today, our brains do not differentiate whether the threat comes from a raging beast about to eat us or another kind of threat (of being left, ridiculed, making a mistake, lose control, have someone get angry at us and yell…).
It’s very useful to learn what are the things that trigger our limbic system response because than we can be prepared and perhaps prevent getting flooded. We’ll say more on this in a future post but now, the focus is on seeing what we can do once the overwhelm has occurred and we have become flooded. And getting overwhelmed, at least on occasion is quite inevitable.
How to send the sIgnal to our limbic system that we are actually safe and want to stop being reactive and come down? We have established that trying to think your way out of it may not work but there are other ways to calm ourselves down and self-soothe. We do this by relying on our senses and by breathing in a way that conveys the message of safety to our limbic system.Like any other technique these ones require practice, especially if we hope to easily do them in moments of overwhelm.With enough practice they become our automatic response and we really can reduce overwhelm to a minimum. Let’s explore a few od them:
5-4-3-2-1 SENSES
We’ve said that the limbic system reacts to the senses rather than thoughts. This exercise is simple and involves all five senses. When we stop to look, touch, listen – we signal to our limbic brain to pause a bit, to stop the fight/flight response, and connect with reality and the present moment.
5 things I see – Look around and name 5 things you see. It can be anything, a table, chair, pencil, glass, blanket, tree, flower.
4 things I can touch – Touch has a calming effect, and paying attention to the sensation when touching something soft, rough, smooth sends a signal that we are safe. Touch anything: a soft blanket, a cold table, a warm cup…
3 things I hear – Listen and notice if there is any sound, the hum of the computer, the falling of rain, the chirping of birds, voices outside, or perhaps silence…
2 things I can smell – The sense of smell is extremely useful for sending signals to the limbic system, as it is responsible for sniffing out danger first. We can also signal safety. Smell the scents around you or go to the bathroom to smell soap, a perfume you love, or the aroma of coffee…
1 thing I can taste – Notice the taste in your mouth or take a bite of something (be mindful if you have an eating-related issue and use overeating as a regulation mechanism – in that case, you can just notice the taste in your mouth or even skip this step if you find it easier that way).
MY SOOTHING BOX
Building on the first exercise, you might like the idea of preparing some objects and scents that you associate with a sense of safety and feeling calm. A picture of a beautiful landscape, a religious symbol, the scent of an essential oil or a perfume, a piece of fabric or a smooth stone, a song that always calms you (just pay attention tol whether the song really calms you or can make you feel worse), and a candy or a taste you enjoy. The more you practice with these objects, the more your limbic system will associate these objects with a sense of security, and you will find it easier to remember that you can calm yourself in this way. In addition, this is a beautiful message to yourself where you show the intention that when things get tough, you want to help yourself rather than judge yourself for your feelings.
BREATHING
When we perceive a threat,, our limbic system sends a message to our body to adapt. Among other things, our breathing becomes very shallow to get us ready to fight, flight, or freeze. With deep breathing in moments of overwhelm, we can send a signal that we are safe and that we want our body to calm down. There are various breathing techniques, and some of them are:
Long exhale
Inhale for a few seconds, then hold your breath for one to two seconds. Slowly exhale (count about 4-6 seconds, or twice as long as the inhalation). Repeat this several times, ideally for a total of about 5 minutes.
4-4-4-4
Breathe in deeply, then count 4 seconds while exhaling. Then hold your breath for 4 seconds and inhale for 4 seconds, and again hold your breath for 4 seconds, and so on several times.
THE POWER OF WATER
This exercise harnesses our senses as well. We put our hands under a stream of water, warm or cold (whichever you prefer), paying attention to the feeling on the skin while rubbing your hands, the sound of water, and watching the stream or the smell of soap. Also, if possible, showering (with cold or warm water) or a warm bath can be useful.
SELF-COMPASSIONATE TALK
I plan to write a lot more about self-compassion in upcoming texts as it is a key ingredient for any healing. In a nutshell, it means telling ourselves what we would say to our best friend when they are overwhelmed. “I see that you’re having a hard time, I’m here, it’s okay to feel that way, I’m here to listen, maybe that will ease things a bit. You’re not crazy, just overwhelmed; “
SAFE PLACE VISUALISATION
Visualisation exercises like this one are also called guided fantasies because initially, someone else (for example, your therapist) guides you through them while you, with closed or open eyes, follow instructions and create a mental image of a safe place – whether real or imaginary. Once you have created a pleasing image, you can turn to it in moments of overwhelm. This exercise is very useful because by bringing into consciousness the image of a safe place and all the sensory sensations associated with it, we can calm the limbic system which, when activated, projects images of danger and mobilises us to fight, flee, or freeze.
These are some techniques that can be useful to keep in our “first aid kit” in moments of overwhelm. To be useful when we need them most, we should practice them often – particularly at times when we are not upset. Some might work better than others, and it’s good to try them out and modify them until we find what suits us. Despite the fact that the exercises themselves are simple, it won’t be easy at first, but it is really worth persevering.
In the long run, however, it is important to learn how to recognize our triggers, understand which emotion they provoke, and what to do with them. Because the goal of these exercises is not to escape from emotions but to calm down enough to be able to stop and look at what exactly we are feeling. Then we can start learning to understand ourselves by following the messages that our emotions send us. They are important; sometimes they indicate what kind of life would really suit us and what would not. The goal is not to suppress or deny these emotions but to make room for them, to listen to them, notice what is happening in our bodies and what thoughts are coming up, to name the feelings we have, and over time learn to accept them.