“If I insist on setting boundaries, he will leave me.”
“ I can’t get into another fight right now, it easier to just put up with it and say nothing.”
Sometimes it seems easier to sacrifice our boundaries than to risk losing the other person. This fear of abandonment leads us to agree to many things which we would otherwise say no to. This can chip away at our self-esteem, make us feel bad about ourselves and we may wish there was a way we could do things differently. But how?
Of course, the answer is complex. More than anything, I always want to emphasise that any action towards changes should come from a place of being kind and loving towards yourself. The way you would be with your best friend if they said: “I know what I should be doing but it’s just really hard to actually do it.” The habit of talking to ourselves the way we would talk to our best friend is called “self-compassion”. However strange it may seem to you, research has shown that it is WAY MORE EFFICIENT than shaming and blaming ourselves with words such as: “You gave in again, don’t you have any self-respect?” , “ You should be ashamed of yourself”. If self-compassion feels like a foreign concept to you, know that it’s not unusual – it’s actually quite common. Sometimes the experience of being listened to (i.e. by our therapists) without judgement and with acceptance can be such a novel experience and so healing in and of itself.
Although everyone’s journey will look different because of the vagaries of our lives, our past and present circumstances that have shaped us, our attachment styles and other individual differences, there are some guidelines which can help us on our journey towards being able to set boundaries and lessening the fear of abandonment.
1) It’s important to start exploring and learning about ourselves. We can explore our needs, our likes and dislikes and our values- regardless of whether we are currently living in alignment with them or not. Simply, we should be curious, notice what we need to feel safe and secure, to feel loved, to feel that we matter. What could we do for ourselves that would truly feel good?
2) Have you ever noticed that it is only after an event that you realise you’ve let someone cross your boundaries and do something /act in a way that was uncomfortable for you? There was a discomfort stirring up within but this fear of confronting the other person, which was not quite obvious in the moment, stopped you from doing or saying anything. The fear stirred up and could be noticed somewhere in your body…see if you can become more aware of it in the future. Even if you end up giving in, it doesn’t matter – for now just being aware of the feelings within is a big milestone. In time, this awareness at the moment of the event will lead to a feeling of having the choice to do something about it, whatever that may be.
The fear of abandonment is a very powerful force. It’s what’s kept humankind together, settling in tribes, forming communities. It serves a purpose. But, it can also be the cause of why we sacrifice our boundaries and allow ourselves to be treated poorly. So, be curious to notice how this fear manifests in you, where do you feel it?
3) It is useful to know that there is another reason why sacrificing our boundaries may have become an ingrained habit. When we sacrifice our boundaries, we get a momentary relief because we have avoided a conflict, a discomfort, someone’s yelling or lashing out at us. So, we are rewarded for sacrificing our boundaries. That behaviour which is rewarded tends to be repeated and becomes a habit. What we can do is really zero in on how short this feeling of reprieve is. The momentary relief over not facing a conflict is followed by a prolonged sense of shame, failure, betrayal of ourselves. It’s the pain of self-abandonment. When we weigh up the significance and the duration of the relief and the aftermath of self-abandonment we can determine whether sacrificing boundaries is really worth it. What’s harder to do, but really important is to explore this pain of self-abandonment, of how we really feel after letting someone cross our boundaries. Because this part can be truly painful, we need a safe environment and another person to help us hold this pain. Even once we’re in therapy, we may need quite some time before we feel ready to explore this pain. The process is not easy and it’s a lot of work but the benefit is truly life-changing. The relationships we are able to build after having done this work are based on genuine intimacy, they are truly fulfilling and healing. The same is true for our relationship with ourselves.
4)Another thing that is always useful but especially when going through a process like this which brings out such intense emotions is to learn to regulate our emotions. Grounding and centering exercises (some of them described in a previous post) are a great way to learn to hear the signals that the body is sending and react in time, before we become too overwhelmed to do something. These exercises are the opposite of self-abandonment… because when we are driven by a fear of abandonment we abandon ourselves. The better we get and not abandoning ourselves the more we can be free of the fear of abandonment.
As we’ve already established, these are just some guidelines but your journey will be unique to you. I believe it helps a great deal if you bear in mind that the fear of abandonment is present in all of us to a certain extent, because we, as a species, depend on each other. And we’ve all had the experience of not being accepted as we are and we got the message that our needs are not important. And it’s quite natural that an alarm goes off in us when we have to request that our needs be respected. Perhaps, after silencing our needs for so long, we don’t even remember what they are any more? How many times have you heard a well meaning parent say: “Don’t cry!”, “Don’t be angry.” Being who you are carries some risk and it’s ok to ask for help if you are noticing an inner conflict between the desire to connect and the desire for self-respect. Take your time, don’t forget to have self-compassion and happy exploring.