There is a famous quote by Victor Frankl that says that there is space between stimulus and response and that it is in that space that we can find the power and freedom to choose how we will respond to this stimulus (event).
However, when we are dealing with the so called “trauma response”, that is, when we are triggered by a traumatic stimulus – that space is quite small. In fact, our response is almost instantaneous and it’s that survival instinct from the brain stem (the reptilian brain)- fight, flight, freeze… That’s why even some small criticism coming from a partner can cause us to attack, cry or withdraw… This was brilliantly illustrated by Terri Real in a recent video. Terry Real is a famous psychotherapist, author and founder of the Relational Therapy Institute. Here is how he described a fight with his wife:
I grew up with a rageful critical father so when my wife Belinda walks in the door and goes:
‘Oh my God, I almost tripped over your shoes that you left out in the middle of the floor! You can be such a slob, Terry… can you think of other people and put your shoes away?!’
I don’t hear that as my adult wife- I am a 4 year old and I am being screamed at by my father. I am triggered and I have about 10 seconds worth of tolerance for the feelings of shame, helplessness and all the wounded child stuff. And my adaptive child response comes in like that! Whoosh! I’m a fighter Belinda is a fighter – we are symmetrical, so my knee jerk adaptive response is:
‘I can’t believe you’re making such a goddamn big deal out of my shoe! Don’t sweat the small stuff for Christ’s sake Belinda!’ – and I’m criticizing her.
And she had a critical father, so she becomes a four-year-old in listening to her screaming father. Her fighting adaptive child takes over and then the two Fighters are up and running. We’re both in our adapted children and I like to say that at that point Belinda and I could sit down and have a beer- we’re not fighting, our adapted children are we’re not even there.”
This phenomenon where we, as adults, have the feeling that we are 4 year old again, helpless and yelled at by an older person, someone who was supposed to protect us is sometimes called emotional flashback (that’s what Pete Walker calls it in his book on CPTSD). In a classic flashback, a visual of a past trauma is superimposed on our reality but an emotional flashback is much trickier to recognise and ask for help and understanding. In an emotional flashback, it is the emotional state that is superimposed on our reality, when triggered. It is followed by the very same bodily sensations that we experienced in the past, during the traumatic event. Since our trigger makes us view the situation as a huge threat, our survival instict switched on and it makes it impossible to think constructively, cooperate, make a healthy compromise, ask for and give empathy.
In his video, Terry Real calls this response the adapted child response. This is also referred to as the ‘trauma response’. The terminology depends on the theory of a particular psychotherapeutic approach but regardless of the terminology and the theoretical approach of your therapist, it is very important that we understand this process going on within us. If we do, we will have a much easier time of helping ourselves cope. And if both partners are in a ‘trauma response’ as was the case in the example of Terry Real – it is crucial that we understand what is going on within us so that the fighting doesn’t go on indefinitely and sabotages any chances of a good and healthy relationship.
If this post has inspired you to wonder what’s really going on inside you in moments of a fight with a partner or anyone else and to become curious and willing to offer more understanding to yourself and the other person – it has achieved its goal. What questions has the post inspired? Please share them with me so that they can inspire me for a future post.
Happy exploring