Sometimes we believe that simply understanding the reasons behind our self-defeating behavior will be enough to stop it. But insight is only one step in the process of change.
For example, we might realize that we keep choosing emotionally unavailable partners because we grew up in an emotionally unavailable family. We see the pattern and understand that there is another way. But what we still lack is the experience of that different way of connecting.
What does closeness even feel like? How would we know how to navigate it? There’s still much to learn — and, more importantly, to experience. New experiences bring new information, and they can lead to new behaviors.
The process of change doesn’t happen overnight — nor after just a few therapy sessions. This is especially true for the deep patterns that shape how we relate to others, how we see ourselves, and how we experience the world.
There’s a theory of four stages of growth and change, originally developed in the field of management, that can also help us understand psychological change. It was first described in 1960 in the book Management of Training Programs and referred to learning new skills. Below, we’ll look at how it can be applied to learning new ways of relating to the world, seeing ourselves, and choosing partners.
Stage One – Unconscious Incompetence
In this stage, we experience some kind of problem or distress but are completely unaware that there’s anything we could do about it. We don’t even know that there’s something we don’t know — something we could learn.
For example, when it comes to choosing partners, this might sound like:
“I’m just a magnet for emotionally unavailable people.”
When we come to therapy and someone listens to us with care and attention, they might notice patterns we haven’t seen ourselves. This happens to everyone — even therapists — because no one can see themselves as clearly as they see others. That’s why having someone who offers us a safe and nonjudgmental space to explore ourselves is so valuable.
At this stage, we tend to see others as the problem — or we think that we are the problem. We might believe that something is fundamentally wrong with us since we can’t seem to do what we want, as if some invisible forces inside us are stronger than our will.
For example, we can’t stop procrastinating, scrolling through Instagram all evening, or getting involved with unavailable partners.
Stage Two – Conscious Incompetence
In this stage, we’ve gained some insight. We’ve taken the first step toward change. Now we know that there’s something we can do — but it still feels almost impossible.
We might recognize what triggers our emotional overeating, but still feel powerless to resist it. We might understand where a bad habit comes from, but it still feels like we can’t change it.
This can be deeply frustrating. Sometimes people give up at this stage if they expected that insight alone would be enough.
But it’s crucial to stay patient and hopeful — this is not the end, it’s only the second stage.
Here, our most important task is to cultivate self-compassion, patience, and to repair our relationship with ourselves. That’s the key to further progress.
Stage Three – Conscious Competence
At this stage, we’ve learned what helps and what hinders us in living the way we want to live. We’ve learned to follow our feelings and body sensations — to stay in full and conscious contact with ourselves. This awareness helps us live in alignment with our values.
We begin to accept that setbacks happen. We understand that everyone has triggers that can momentarily activate old patterns. But those patterns appear far less often, with much less intensity, and no longer disrupt our lives — they might only cause temporary discomfort.
Especially if we’ve developed self-compassion, we no longer shame or blame ourselves for occasional mistakes.
Returning to our example of choosing partners — we might still feel attracted to, or feel “chemistry” with, people who are emotionally distant or closed off. But now we notice it, recognize it as an old pattern, and consciously choose to step away. We give a chance to someone who is emotionally available and supportive.
We connect authentically, allow ourselves to be vulnerable, and pay attention to whether the other person is safe, genuine, and emotionally present. We build relationships that enrich our lives.
At this stage, we also take care to regularly check in with our needs — are we hungry, thirsty, tired, overworked, or grieving? These states make it harder to live in alignment with our new choices. For most of life’s challenges, staying in this stage is completely fine — even ideal. Nobody is perfect, and we all have bad days. As long as we stay aware of what’s happening inside us and respond to it consciously, life can feel balanced and fulfilling in this third stage.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Rick Hanson described this stage beautifully:
“It’s like knowing you’re in Mary Poppins, but still hearing the soundtrack from Jaws.”
That old soundtrack might be your inner critic, your anxious mind, or your inner caretaker. We choose not to follow their fearful predictions anymore. Instead, we connect with our inner wisdom — the authentic voice that knows our new reality.
Stage Four – Unconscious Competence
This is the stage where new behaviors and new ways of thinking become second nature. We no longer have to make an effort — we do automatically what once felt impossible.
For example, we’re now naturally drawn to emotionally available, warm, open, and secure partners.
We no longer question our worth or doubt our abilities. The thoughts that once tormented us with jealousy, worry, or fear have quieted.
For some things, it’s perfectly fine to remain in stage three — it’s not always necessary (or even possible) to reach stage four. Some of our old tendencies may always be a part of us, but they no longer control or ruin our lives. We can accept them as part of our story.
How does this theory resonate with you?
Does it give you new answers — or help you form new questions?
Share your thoughts in your reflective journal or connect with me on my Instagram platform to join the conversations there.
Happy exploring.