Did you know that neuroscience today confirms something many of us feel intuitively — that we are wired for connection?
We feel best, healthiest, and most ourselves when we are connected to others. When we feel close, accepted, understood, and when we can truly relax in the presence of another person.
The theory that helps explain this is called Polyvagal Theory. It offers a simple yet powerful way of understanding why we react the way we do in close relationships, especially in moments of stress or conflict.
In this text, I’ll briefly introduce its main ideas and use romantic relationships as an example — because these are often the relationships that trigger the strongest, most intense reactions in us and where the same conflicts tend to repeat over and over again.
Our Nervous System Is Always Scanning for Safety or Danger
One of the key concepts of Polyvagal Theory is neuroception.
This means that our nervous system is constantly scanning our environment for signs of safety or danger — without us being consciously aware of it.
We receive far more signals than we realize. A tone of voice, facial expression, the way someone looks at us or doesn’t look at us — all of these can register in our nervous system as either safe or threatening. What feels safe to one person may feel dangerous to another.
Even the way I smile, don’t smile, speak, or pause sends signals of safety or danger. And again — this is not the same for everyone.
The Three States of the Nervous System
Polyvagal Theory describes three main states of the nervous system.
1. Ventral Vagal State — Safety and Connection
When we receive enough signals of safety, we are in the ventral vagal state.
This is the healthiest and most comfortable state for humans.
In this state we feel:
- connected to others
- calm and present
- able to think clearly
- able to communicate and function optimally
This is the state in which real connection is possible.
2. Sympathetic State — Fight or Flight
When stress appears — for example, a sudden loud sound, a siren while driving, or any perceived threat — the sympathetic nervous system activates.
We move out of ventral vagal safety and into a state of mobilization:
- tension in the body and muscles
- increased heart rate
- stress and alertness
In this state, the body prepares us to fight or flee.
3. Dorsal Vagal State — Shutdown and Freeze
If we are in a situation where we cannot fight and cannot escape — when the threat feels overwhelming — the dorsal vagal system may activate.
This is the oldest part of our nervous system and leads to:
- shutdown
- numbness
- collapse or freezing
It’s the “playing dead” response we sometimes see in animals. While it can be protective in extreme danger, staying in this state for too long is very difficult and unhealthy for humans.
Both prolonged sympathetic activation and prolonged dorsal shutdown affect our body — digestion, muscle pain, chronic tension, fatigue, and other physical symptoms.
Why Romantic Relationships Trigger Us So Strongly
Romantic relationships are particularly powerful because they closely resemble our earliest attachment relationships.
When we experience relational wounds early in life, our nervous system becomes especially sensitive to signs of danger in close relationships. This is why reactions in partnerships can feel disproportionately intense, even when the situation itself seems small.
How Conflict Cycles Are Created
Let’s take a simple example.
One partner expresses a need or an idea and the other responds with withdrawal or refusal:
“I don’t want to talk about this.”
The first partner’s need to be heard, understood, and accepted is not met. The nervous system registers this as danger. Sympathetic activation may follow — tension, anger, the urge to protest or push back.
If one partner protests or becomes louder, the other may experience this as a strong signal of danger and move into dorsal shutdown — freezing, withdrawing, going silent.
This shutdown can then be experienced by the first partner as yet another threat, which further escalates their reaction. And so the cycle continues.
Importantly, none of this is conscious. These are not deliberate choices. These are automatic nervous system responses learned through experience.
Coregulation: Why We Need Each Other
One of the most important ideas in Polyvagal Theory is coregulation.
We regulate best in connection with another person. Our nervous system calms down when it receives signals of safety from someone else — a calm voice, steady presence, attuned eye contact.
This is why simply telling ourselves to “calm down” often doesn’t work.
When we feel safe with another person, we naturally move back into the ventral vagal state, where emotional regulation, reflection, and communication become possible again.
The Role of Therapy
Often, couples only begin to understand these patterns when they come to therapy.
The therapist’s role is to recognize signals of danger and safety, and to help create enough safety in the room so that both partners’ nervous systems can settle. From there, partners can begin to understand how they trigger each other, what feels dangerous, and what creates a sense of safety.
Over time, they learn — first individually and then together — how to move back into a connected, ventral vagal state, where they can express what they need and actually hear each other.
This is usually what both partners want — they just don’t know how to get there on their own.
A Final Thought
Our reactions in relationships are not flaws. They are adaptive responses shaped by our nervous system and our history.
The good news is that the nervous system is changeable. Through safe relationships — often starting in therapy — we can learn new ways of responding, reconnect with others, and feel more regulated and alive.
If this way of understanding conflict resonates with you, it may offer a different lens through which to view your relationships — with more compassion for yourself and for others.
